Improve in marriage things

What can you do to improve your chances of a happy marriage?

She's young. She's married and the mother of a small child. And she's frightened. Many of her friends have divorced. Others are going through divorces ---- people she grew up with, from good Christian families, who have gone to church throughout their lives.

'What's happening?' she asked. 'Why aren't these marriages working?' Unspoken was the underlying fear: could hers be next? She's right to be concerned. There is a lot of divorce. In Britain, one in two marriages now ends in divorce. For remarriages the rate is 60 per cent. In the United States more than a million marriages fail annually.

With the spectre of these kinds of statistics hanging over our heads, there is good reason for us to worry. The fairy tales were wrong. Prince Charming and his Cinderella don't always live happily ever after. Why aren't many of our marriages working? Of all people, shouldn't Christians be able to hold their marriages together?

Let's look in the Bible to understand what God intended for marriages and learn what it takes to make them the long-lasting and fulfilling relationships they should be. Divorce was not what God (the designer of marriage in the first place!) intended when he first created the marriage union. The apostle Paul elevated Christian marriage to the celestial domain. He compared marriage to the marriage of the Lamb to his bride.

Paul described the marriage relationship: 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery ---- but I am talking about Christ and the church' (Ephesians 5:31-32).

What a profound analogy. A good marriage can help us understand the ideal relationship between God and humanity. But, unfortunately, it doesn't portray most marriage relationships today. How many marriages do you honestly describe as 'made in heaven'?

Many of us enter marriage with impossible dreams and unrealistic expectations. No one could discourage us by pointing out that we weren't financially prepared or that we were much too young. We were in love and our love would surmount all obstacles. Many of us had to learn the hard way. As Aaron T. Beck wrote in Love Is Never Enough, romantic love does not of itself provide all that is needed to sustain a relationship and make it grow.

'Special personal qualities are crucial for a happy relationship: commitment, sensitivity, generosity, consideration, loyalty, responsibility, trustworthiness,' said Dr Beck. 'Mates need to cooperate, compromise, and follow through with joint decisions. They have to be resilient, accepting, and forgiving. They need to be tolerant of each other's flaws, mistakes, and peculiarities' (Love Is Never Enough, page 5).

It's a lot to ask, isn't it? Marriage is much more complex than many of us thought.

Romance and mutual attraction are important for a happy marriage, and shouldn't be overlooked. But you can't live on love alone, no matter how romantic that sounds. Courtship and marriage may begin with romantic love, but for a long-lasting relationship, romantic love slowly but surely should ideally be complemented by a mature spiritual love.

The Love That Binds

What kind of love is that? Paul described it in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Let's add a personal element to his words by putting ourselves in the picture. Does this describe your love for your husband or wife?

'My love is patient and kind. I'm never jealous or envious of my spouse. I'm never proud or selfish or rude. I never demand my own way. I'm not irritable or super sensitive. I don't hold grudges against my spouse and hardly notice when I am wronged... 'I love my spouse so I will be loyal no matter the cost. I will always believe in him or her. I will always expect the best of my spouse. I will always defend him or her.'

That's the kind of love that it takes to maintain a long-lasting marriage ---- unselfish love. Do you have what it takes? The common denominator in any Christian marriage is Jesus Christ. Only through him and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit can we have this kind of love.

As Paul wrote: 'And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us' (Romans 5:5).

Not My Will, But Yours

Along with mature, unselfish love, the Bible shows another vital element for long lasting relationships. When Paul compared marriage with the relationship of Christ and the Church, he was giving Christians guidelines for all successful, enduring relationships, not only those between husband and wife.

Here's the guiding principle: 'Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ' (Ephesians 5:21). This willingness to submit in love to one another is a basic principle of Christianity. It is stressed throughout the New Testament. Submission is not necessary for a relationship. It is the expression of a successful one.

Jesus Christ said: 'Not my will, but yours be done' (Luke 22:42). Christ submitted his will to the Father's. It may be the most difficult challenge of our lives, but that is what Christ expects of us as well, that we submit our wills to him and to each other.

Christ is not asking too much of us. Through submission, mutual consideration and give-and-take, it is possible to live at peace with our neighbours. If both partners practise these values in marriage, it is possible for one man and one woman to love each other throughout their lives. Does submission mean that a husband or wife should always give in to the other, no matter the circumstances? No, it isn't that easy.

Some people pride themselves on being submissive when actually they are just giving in because they are afraid or they hate confrontation or they don't like to make decisions. Godly submission is not a harassed wife finally giving in to her brow-beating husband, or vice versa. That kind of submission leads to resentment and anger.

The principle is mutual consideration and service to the other. As Christ said: 'Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life' (Mark 10:43-45).

He Says... Communication is critical to a happy marriage and to any relationship. I was not a sensitive man. One of the first lessons I began to learn in my marriage was to be more sensitive to my wife's feelings. I needed to value my wife's opinion, understand how intelligent she is and recognise the God-given gifts and abilities she has. Second, I had to learn how to communicate with my wife. Maybe some men are natural communicators and can easily open up and share their feelings. I couldn't. Referring to plans, ambitions, hopes, dreams, trials, whatever we were going through, my wife would ask: 'How do you feel about this?' I didn't think I had any feelings about these things. I rarely expressed emotion. I never cried. Being married to my wife helped me learn to open up and share my feeling with her. It's sad, but a lot of men never learn these lessons. Some don't want to change and others don't know how. Because they don't get help, they don't change and they don't grow. If a husband doesn't change, however, there will be serious problems in the marriage. Communication is critical to a happy marriage and to any relationship. I also had to understand the effect that hormonal changes sometimes have on female emotions. I had to learn that sometimes my wife's tears, frustration or depression were related to normal hormonal fluctuations. Rather than being upset with her, I needed to be more patient and loving at the time. Another important lesson is one we had to learn to work together. For example, I had always been active in sports and liked to exercise. I had always jogged alone. Later, my wife began to exercise and wanted to jog with me, I felt it would slow me down. But I had to ask myself, do I want to jog alone for the rest of my life? So, I learned to exercise with my wife. We no longer jog, but we do walk briskly for two miles several times a week. We have some of our best conversations when we're walking. Another thing husbands often need to learn is to make love to their wives and not just 'have sex'. There's a difference, isn't there? I didn't understand the importance of romance. I still fall short in that area. But I've always loved her and always wanted to make her happy. So I made up my mind. I set as a goal to be the best lover I possibly could be for my wife. I also had to learn that little things mean a lot to a woman. For example, she would ask me to have a cup of coffee with her and I'd say: 'No, I'm in a hurry and I don't like coffee anyway.' I didn't understand that she simply wanted to spend time with me. We lived in Australia for a few years and began to enjoy tea. I learned how to properly brew a good cup of English tea. My wife loves it! I awaken her with her cup of tea each morning. It is one of those little things that mean so much to her. Another point of learning was appreciating the differences in our spiritual needs and relationship with God. I had not stopped to think about it until one day my wife told me: 'When you pray to God, it's a man-to-man talk. I am a woman, so my relationship with him comes from a female perspective.' My wife's spiritual needs are more emotional. She needs more inspiration, things that feed her soul. My wife and I are partners in the ministry. Without her influence, I would not be the minister I am, I would not be the man I am, I would not be the husband I am or the father I am. I would not be anything that I am without her. I thank God he used my wife to get through to me, to help me begin to see some of these things and make changes in my life. ----Dennis Luker

She Says... We had to keep learning if we wanted this marriage to be all it could be. From day one, perhaps the biggest lesson I have had to learn in marriage is in the area of expectations. I was going to walk down the aisle, marry my Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Those were my expectations. The reality was that we pastored three small churches, serving and caring for church members over a wide geographic area. Then, our first baby arrived. Again, my expectation was to have a sweet, precious little bundle of joy. The reality was that our litle bundle of joy also had colic for hours on end and for months didn't know that night-time was for sleeping! Another expectation was that we would be the perfect minister and wife and everyone would love us. The reality was that we were young, inexperienced and made lots of mistakes. For some reason, not everyone did love us. A good marriage has a price on it ---- lots of hard work, learning, adapting, changing and most of all, yielding ---- to God and to each other. Nor is the price on any marriage exactly the same. The price I've had to pay in being married to this wonderful man is letting go ---- constantly moving for one city to another, making friends and leaving them, planting trees and roses for others to enjoy. Letting go of him, in the sense that I've had to learn to share his time and life with hundreds of other people. Sometimes, the price is a serious illness. Sometimes it is financial or job-related stress. Sometimes it is problems with children, or even the inability to have children. When we were first married, there was not nearly as much helpful material available to read ---- but what was out there, we read. We realised we had to keep learning if we wanted this marriage to be all it could be. What an incredible revelation it has been to understand better the male mind! Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour? He has taken us, male and female, made us entirely different, and then said: 'Get on together. Be happy. Work it out.' The more I have understood the differences between men and women, the more I have appreciated them, understood the value inherent within them and cherished the laughter built into them. No matter how much we grow and learn, we will always be male and female! The more I've learned about the male mind, the more I've altered my expectations. In my case, I've married a former engineer who will never be a creative romantic! No, my husband doesn't buy me flowers or think up romantic surprises ---- but every morning, with his engineering precision, he makes me a delicious cup of tea. He is steady as a rock, reliable and faithful. He walks with me, remembers my vitamins and makes certain I take care of my health. He may not think up lots of romantic ideas, but he always responds to mine. He does tell me every day that he loves me and makes it abundantly clear that he still finds me attractive and desirable. Does he always understand me? No Will he ever? I doubt it, any more than I will fully understand him. Would I swap him for a romantic? Never! And the fun of continuing to learn makes the differences more than worth it! ---- LeeAnn Luker

Godly submission is a personal choice by both husband and wife to bring their individual wills under control so they can come to a mutual agreement about a matter. The desire to submit your will to another's can be one of the results of conversion. If you are strong-willed or insecure that you must always have your way, that is a matter to take up with God. Only through the Holy Spirit can such a mind-set be changed.

However, if through Christ living in you, you have come to desire to control your will and to come to desire to control your will and to be submissive to others' needs and even wants, you will find that successfully carrying out this command also calls for communication and negotiation skills.

They aren't born with these skills. They have to be learned, practised and developed. All couples, no matter how long they have been married, should put aside time to get to know each other better. It is impossible to submit our wills when we assuming or guessing what our husbands or wives need and want.

Easier Said Than Done

Those of you who are married know that this instruction to submit to God and to each other is, to use a cliche, easier said than done. We often fail as we strive to wrestle our own stubborn wills into subjection to his. We know from experience we will want our own will to be done more often than else's. We will want to be served much more than we will want to serve.

It is not easy after a difficult day at work, when all you feel like doing is collapsing on the sofa, to think of some way you can serve your husband or wife. Often you want someone to take care of you! When both of you feel like this, it gets complicated. Unless we are careful, when we are stressed and tired, harsh words are exchanged, and anger and hurt feelings are the result. That is where forgiveness ---- a third principle for long ---- lasting relationships ---- comes in.

Jesus told his disciples: 'If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, "I repent," forgive him' (Luke 17:3-4).

Like may of us, the disciples recognised their human limitations and said: 'Increase our faith!' (verse 5). Along with love and submission, forgiveness of that magnitude also must come from Jesus Christ thorough the Holy Spirit. To be able to forgive someone over and over again requires faith.

'Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another,' Paul wrote 'Forgive as the Lord forgave you' (Colossians 3:13). That means each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another,' Paul wrote. 'Forgive as the Lord forgave you' (Colossians 3:13). That means we have to learn to say: 'I forgive you' ---- and really mean it. We must follow Christ who is our example. We are to be in a forgiving attitude before someone asks for our forgiveness.

Or even if he or she doesn't. Forgiving also means not dredging up past sins. Let go of the rubble of the past.

Broken Beyond Repair?

Of course, all the forgiveness and compassion in the world won't necessarily salvage a relationship scarred by alcoholism or emotional and physical abuse. The prayer adopted as the motto of Alcoholics Anonymous goes as follows: 'O God, give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed, courage to change what should be changed, and wisdom to distinguish one from the other.'

Commenting on that prayer, Barbara Russell Chesser writes: ' "Courage to change what should be changed" would, in my expectations for marriage, apply to excessive drinking, abuse, financial irresponsibility, and unfaithfulness. I would seek professional help for any of these' (21 Myths That Can Wreck Your Marriage, page 37).

As difficult as it can be, sometimes spouses must separate from each other before any real changes are made. They have to have the courage to change what should be changed.

Living With Imperfection

Let's face it. Life is not perfect. Marriages are not perfect. We're not perfect. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean our lives are perfect. In fact, being a Christian means we are even more aware of how hard it is to hold our marriages together in a world hostile to God.

Successful marriages are not miraculously arranged in heaven. God made us capable of choosing our partner and together making marriage work. But we live on this earth as imperfect and sinful human beings in a sin-filled environment. We are not always going to win every struggle. We will try, and sometimes we will succeed and sometimes fail. But, as Christians, we will get right back up and go on with our lives.

As a young acquaintance said after a painful divorce, which was followed by a serious illness: 'Peace is so important to me. I do not want hostility. But I had to find peace within myself before I could find it anyone else.' She said: 'Through all of this I have learned that the most important thing is to have love. And it doesn't have to be our personal definition of love.'

Through her suffering, she has grown in understanding of God's mature, unselfish love and is closer to achieving that love herself. God expects us to continue to grow and overcome, to learn from what we suffer. Following in our Saviour's footsteps, we will grow from our sufferings and through them we will be better able to empathise with and comfort others who are suffering.

No, Prince Charming and Cinderella don't always live happily ever after. Couples who enter marriage thinking there will be no more problems, or those who do not build their marriages, are the ones most likely to find themselves facing severe difficulties and even separating.

Through the marriage relationship we can grow and become mature Christians. What better way to learn to truly love, to truly submit and truly forgive than through the intimate relationship. When you get married you enter a special institution of learning that was made in heaven.

You will never stop growing as a couple. You will never really arrive either. But what you learn along the way will last for eternity.