Understanding the struggle of homosexuality

'If God has called me, why hasn't he healed these terrible desires? Why isn't God answering my prayers?

'I often wonder how many other people in the church are like me, desperately alone, struggling with this problem, not knowing who to turn to, and terribly afraid to ask for help. It is fine to pray to God, but also I need a caring person to talk to in person. I have asked God for many years to please give me such a friend because I cannot carry on alone.'

'I feel so dirty and cheap, more like a monster than a human being.'

No one, especially a Christian, should feel like this. But many Christian homosexuals do. Some courageously rejected the gay lifestyle. But often these people are rejected by those who could help them most ---- some of their fellow Christians. Why? Because some have been taught to fear and despise homosexuals. Some don't even want to help them.

So this article is about hope. And help. We want to show the person struggling with homosexual desires that there is hope. And we want to encourage the rest of our readers to come to the aid of those who desperately need support and encouragement.

We know it is difficult for homosexuals and people who are not homosexual even to discuss this subject objectively. Many heterosexuals consider homosexuality the worst of all sins. We view other human failings, like alcoholism, gambling and adultery, as ---- well, at least ---- normal. There but for the grace of God, go we.

But to be attracted erotically to someone of the same sex seems so strange and unnatural to many heterosexual Christians. Surely God doesn't call people like that to serve him, does he?

But he does. Look what the apostle wrote to the church at Corinth: 'Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is some of you were' (Bible verse Corinthians 6:9-11). Paul understood that to practise what we now call a gay lifestyle was sinful. But in Corinth there were homosexuals who had become Christians and Paul reminded them: 'You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God' (verse 11).

Needed: Real Love

God is also calling homosexuals to repentance today. Their sexual sin is not 'The worst sin', but it is one of the most difficult to forsake. Christians struggling with homosexuality need help. But where do they find it? They know many of their heterosexual friends would abandon them if they even suspected their problem.

So life for many Christian homosexuals can be a furtive, solitary struggle. They lack confidence and self-respect, yet must confront their feelings of inadequacy and self hatred all alone. No wonder so many fail. This should not be. Like everyone else, homosexuals need love, compassion and understanding so they can grow spiritually. 'Love,' wrote Paul in bible verse 1 Corinthians 13, 'is kind.' But many of us have been unkind and it is time we repent and change. To change, we need to understand.

In preparing this article, we consulted authorities, including counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologists and ministers. But the greatest authorities are homosexuals who, based on their understanding of the Bible, have committed themselves to change. They talked to us cautiously at first. But when they realised we were trying to understand them, and not to condemn, they confided the emotional pain and loneliness that dog the footsteps of their Christian walk.

Understanding Why

Why is homosexuality so difficult for people to overcome?

The desire for sex is a powerful drive, perhaps second only to the need for food and water. But the Bible approves of only two sexual lifestyles ---- heterosexuality within marriage and celibacy. The Bible expressly forbids homosexual acts (see yellow box, homosexuality and the Bible').

So homosexuals committed to live by every Word of God realise they must deny themselves the physical sexual expression that seems most natural to them. However, because same-sex attraction seems so unnatural, many heterosexuals can underestimate how difficult this is. As heterosexuals, try to imagine how you would feel if you learned that, in order to obey God, you had to abandon any hope of ever being able to satisfy your sexual feelings for the opposite sex.

ESTABLISHING TERMS To write about homosexuality is to enter a semantic mine field. We must be clear, accurate, insightful and non-condemning while honestly reflecting the teachings of the Bible. We also believe Christ would expect us not to be belittling or derogatory and to try to avoid words with these connotations. But what words should be used to describe a homosexual man or woman who is struggling to change? Alna Mediger, the past president of Exodus International, likes to describe those he helps as 'overcomers'. Joe Dallas, author of Desire in Conflict, calls them 'fighters'. Some non-gay, inactive, non-practising homosexuals would prefer to be described as 'people struggling with homosexuality. These are accurate expressions but perhaps too unfamiliar for the general reader. So although it is usually acceptable to use gay and homosexual interchangeably, we will use gay only to describe men and women who are involved in the lifestyle and culture. A homosexual, in this context, is an ex-gay, having decided to resist any sexual expression of his or her homosexual condition. Homosexuals often describe a conventional male-female sexual orientation using the term straight. We prefer the more technically correct term, heterosexual. Until more facts are available on the suggested link between homosexuality and heredity, many researchers feel 'orientation' is a better descriptor of homosexuality than 'predisposition'. But Dr. Moberly has chosen an even more neutral description. She call it a 'condition', and we shall follow her lead. Some readers may find the word lesbian offensive. But we know of no more commonly accepted or accurate euphemism, although some may prefer the term female homosexuality.

Even so, this is an imperfect analogy. Heterosexual temptations are at least 'normal'. But the Christian homosexual has accepted that the pulls of his or her sexuality, even if not expressed physically, are still unnatural. No wonder so many feel like trapped and hopeless spiritual weaklings. They need help in understanding the true nature of their problem.

We consider an alcoholic who gives up drinking an overcomer. Christians try to accept a thief who stops stealing as a reformed brother or sister. But the homosexual who abandons the practice of homosexuality, yet struggles with the inner turmoil of his or her lusts, is often not accepted.

Some Christians demand that all of this sin must be conquered before the fruits of a homosexual's repentance are accepted and recognised. But God accepts all people fighting to overcome sin as overcomers, as 'more than conquerors through him who loved us' (Bible verse Romans 8:37). God knows the causes of homosexuality and he is able to lead those afflicted persons on the safe ground and sustain them there.

What many do not understand is that it is the gay lifestyle, and not the condition of homosexuality, that is sinful.

Please make sure you understand that last statement. Read it again if you need to. It is the key to the homosexual finding hope and the courage to go on. It is also the key that can help channel homophobic condemnation into constructive Christian compassion.

Why Are Some Homosexual?

Why do some people grow up to be sexually attracted to their same sex? We don't know the answer to that question. The Bible doesn't explicitly reveal it. (The green box, 'Sexual Identity ---- Inherited or Learned?' briefly discusses the argument about the possible genetic origins of homosexuality.)

But may psychologists believe that, for some, the root causes of homosexuality seem to lie in traumatic experiences suffered in early childhood when sexual identity is being developed. Children need love, security and acceptance from the very beginning of their lives. They need proper sexual role models. They need praise, encouragement, right teaching and unconditional love.

These are things that many homosexuals have not received, although some come from stable, affectionate families with heterosexual parents and siblings. Homosexuality is a complex condition, but studies show that a common factor for many homosexuals is a dysfunctional family background.

Some were victims of sexual abuse. Others were neglected and never received love, affection and acceptance. They grew up sexually ignorant and starving for someone to love them. Emotional bonding with parents and the developing of a sexual identity begin early in life. Research seems to show that at the age of 2 or 3 the foundations of sexual identity are being laid and this is a vulnerable time.

One reason some homosexuals feel they were born that way is that they didn't have the critical emotional bonding with their mothers and fathers in the earliest formative years of their lives. Many homosexuals cannot remember ever having a sexual attraction for the opposite sex. They are not pretending.

Legitimate Need

Their need for love and intimacy is legitimate. It is how homosexuals have sought to express this need that is wrong. It is a terrible dilemma for them. Psychologist Elizabeth Moberley writes in her book Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, that 'There are legitimate needs involved in the homosexual condition. These ought not to be met sexually, but they ought to be met. That is the main point at stake.'

In an article entitled 'What Is Homosexuality?' the founder of Exodus International, an organization which attempts to help homosexuals put their gay lifestyle behind them, Frank Worther, wrote: 'We believe homosexuality is learned behavior which is influenced by a number of factors: a disrupted family life in early years, a lack of unconditional love on the part of either parent, a failure to identify with the same-sex parent. Later, these problems can result in a search for love and acceptance, envy of the same or opposite sex, a life controlled by various fears and feelings of isolation.'

Perhaps this can help us understand the tangled web of emotions that confront many homosexuals. How can they satisfy their hunger for love and acceptance by members of their own sex, if they confuse love with sexual activity? Love, acceptance and affirmation have to be found without sexual gratification. Of course, many single heterosexuals have similar difficulty.

It is simplistic to, say, 'Well, homosexuals should work towards becoming heterosexual.' Some can, and many want to. But the thought of sexual relationship with a woman (or a man, in the case of a lesbian) is usually as repulsive to a homosexual as a homosexual relationship is to a heterosexual. So the only biblically acceptable alternative is celibacy.

You can live without sex. But you cannot live a happy and fulfilled life without love. Where, then, can a homosexual who wants to obey God find the support he or she so desperately needs?

There Is Hope

No trial is hopeless. Paul wrote to the church at Corinth, where some members had once been practising homosexuals: "God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it' (Bible verse 1 Corinthians 10:13).

HOMOSEXUALITY AND THE BIBLE When the Bible speaks of homosexual acts, it does not approve of them. Although the Bible condemns all sin, through Christ, all sins can be forgiven. The active homosexual who repents will receive forgiveness and will be cleansed of all his or her sins. As with anyone who repents of any sin, the repentant homosexual should no longer live in sin ---- in this case, the gay lifestyle. This does not necessarily mean the homosexual becomes heterosexual; rather, it means he or she no longer engages in homosexual acts. Accepting repentant homosexuals as fellow Christians does not mean condoning their past sins. We cannot rationalise or 'explain away' biblical prohibitions of homosexual activity, such as in Bible verses of Romans 1:26-27 and Corinthians 6:9-10. Paul did not isolate the sin of homosexuality for special treatment in these 'sin lists'. In both chapters homosexuality is included with a long list of other sins. Thus Christians should accept repentant homosexuals into fellowship just as they accept any repentant sinner ---- thankful that God has extended his mercy and grace to a fellow human being.

Many homosexuals find they need professional help, especially at first to sort out their tangled emotions. Ideally the church should be able to offer help in the spiritual support so vital in overcoming any persistent areas of sin. In some area, a number of support groups are also dedicated to helping homosexuals change their lives.

Bob Davies, executive director of Exodus International, a network of ex-gay ministries, told us: "All your friends of your own sex who can show affection and intimacy in a nonsexual way.' This might sound like a contradiction. But not if you understand that homosexuality is primarily about the identity, not sex.

A male homosexual is usually not a man trying to be a woman; he is most often a man who wants to be accepted by his own sex, as a bona fide member of it. We all need at least one good friend to whom we can tell everything. In much of our society, the very words male intimacy have an immediate abnormal connotation.

THE DEBATE IN BRITAIN The recent debate in Britain about whether the age of consent for homosexuality should be reduced to 18 or even 16 again raised the whole question of sexual ethics. Is homosexuality something society should ban, tolerate, approve of or actively support? If homosexuality is simply a question of personal choice or lifestyle, at what age should an individual be considered capable of making such a choice? Recently, MPs decided in a free vote in the House of Commons that the age of consent for homosexual sex should be lowered from 21 to 18. However, a flurry of concern over family values and morality brought the whole question of sexuality and behaviour to the forefront of the public mind. How do we decide what is right and wrong? The newspaper columnist Mary Kenny has called public morality 'a values muddle'. When it comes to matters of sex, the Bible gives us a dual approach. Clarity and compassion. Clarity about what is right, and what is not. Compassion for the individual who is struggling to live within the boundaries God gives us for our good. Much of society today (heterosexual as well as homosexual) fails to understand the full purpose of sex. Of course, biological detail is freely available as perhaps never before. Most people know 'where babies come from' and that sex can be and should be a source of great pleasure in a loving relationship. What is missing is the understanding of the role sex plays in marriage. The Bible tells us that the marriage bed is 'pure' (Hebrews 13:4). The first man and woman became husband and wife, becoming 'one flesh....and they felt no shame' (Bible verses Genesis 2:24-25). In this divinely-established union, sex was to be the most intimate expression of love, a force for social cohesion and marital love ---- a picture of love between Christ and the Church. We do not have to be confused about what is right and wrong, nor do we have a part of 'the suffering and humiliation that homosexuals face' (The Independent, 15th January 1994). The Bible offers us clarity and compassion in a world short of both.

Yet the Bible records several examples of deep, personal, intimate ---- yet non-sexual ---- male friendships. Some of the most pathos-filled interviews we had were with men telling us passionately how desperately they craved male companionship. Not ---- repeat, not ---- for sex, but for encouragement. But their attempts to establish such a friendship were always thwarted because they had no idea how to behave in an appropriate way.

Ideally, a father, or other male relative, should have been a role model for this. But for some who now struggle with homosexuality, that never happened. Now, they don't know what it is like to be accepted by men, to be thought of as a man, and to have an intimate, loving non-sexual friendship with a person of their own sex.

As one homosexual explained: 'The worst thing for me was having nobody to talk to.' In fact, loneliness and isolation in extreme cases can even lead to suicide. One in five attempts at suicide by teenagers are said to be made by teenagers who think they are homosexual (Yorkshire Post, 2nd September 1991) and 19% of gay teenagers tried to take their lives (Independent, 25th November 1991).

The need for a confidant is great. Yet many are afraid of their potential to ruin any such relationship because of the unnatural desires that still rage within them. The cure carries within it the seeds of potential destruction. Nevertheless, if homosexuals are to grow spiritually, they need friends who are not afraid to fellowship with them and to encourage them.

' ' They need to be accepted into the family of the Church because unconditional love is something many have only heard about. This is particularly true if a person's own family has rejected them. As Dr John Bancroft of Edinburgh University explains in Homosexuality and its problems: 'One of the saddest things is that often coming out means being cut off from your family.' Homosexuals need to see godly love in action. They need ministers and friends who genuinely care for them and understand their struggle.

SEXUAL IDENTITY - INHERITED OR LEARNED Is homosexuality and inherited and thus natural and acceptable condition? Many researchers who look at the subject from a biblical perspective do not think so. They consider it to be a childhood developmental disorder ---- an unnatural expression of what are, nevertheless, legitimate needs for love and intimacy. However, studies in the past few years have introduced the controversial possibility that homosexuality has a biological predisposition. The immediate question for Christians concerns whether something with a genetic bias can still be considered sin. There is not yet enough undisputed evidence to prove homosexuality is prenatally determined. However, some personality types may be genetically more vulnerable. Joe Dallas, a qualified counsellor and author, explains: 'Even if it can be proven that genetic or biological influences predispose people toward homosexuality, that will never prove homosexuality is in and itself normal. It will only prove what we already know ---- that genetic variances can and do affect our future behavior sometimes in undesirable ways. If some people have a genetic predisposition toward alcoholism as research suggests, should we conclude the disease is a normal condition and refuse to treat it? Should the biblical prohibitions against drunkenness be nullified?' He continues: 'The principle is the same regarding homosexuality. Let research conclude what it may about causes; genetic origins do not justify sinful behavior.' Some authorities will continue to assert that our sexual identity is biologically determined. Others will continue to see sexual preference as a learned behaviour, influenced by our society, environment and culture. Frank Worthen explain in his books Steps Out of Homosexuality: 'What research has proven is that the paths we take in life are laid down at a very early age... 'Are we saying that people become homosexual at the early age of three years? No. But the root causes of homosexuality and many other personality disturbances are all in place by that time.' However, whatever the factors that lead a person to homosexuality, we still have to ask ourselves if it is right to act upon those feelings. An understanding of possible causes may help us to be more compassionate towards those who are struggling, but it should not lead us to tolerate lifestyles of which the Bible disapproves.

Homosexuals know they are vulnerable. A breach of confidentially could destroy them, and they are used to being betrayed by those to whom they look for help. To trust is to take a terrible risk. But it is a risk they must take, because they cannot make it alone. There is simply no substitute for these relationships if homosexuals are to have any hope of finding peace and healing.

Are we willing to accept the challenge to replace homophobia with compassion? Is your congregation a place where homosexuals trying to obey God could find a haven? Or is it just another place where they must face rejection?

The Bible shows that God can, and does, call homosexual men and women to repentance. Jesus Christ said: 'All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away' (Bible verse John 6:37).

And neither should we.