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Loving You,    Loving Me

By James Hammond

Pastor Williams took a deep breath and threw back his shoulders. It was time. He'd been building up to this point in his sermon, and now he would hit them hard.

'You sinners! God calls you worms. Filthy rags. You're nothing but a stench in God's nostrils. You'd better repent and ask forgiveness for your worthless state!'
As foam-flecked saliva spewed from Pastor William's mouth, the congregation sat enthralled. This was their Pastor at his best. Strong words, delivered in a way only he could. They viewed it almost as entertainment and responded accordingly with nods of agreement. Some even offered mild applause. All were enjoying the message Pastor Williams was giving that week.

All, that is, expect Mary. With tears only too well how accurately the message was aimed at her. He was right. She was worthless and useless. Good for nothing. A waste of space. Take Geoff, her ex-husband. He had constantly reminded her of what a terrible mother and wife she was before leaving her for another woman. Then there was her teenage daughter Linda, fast becoming an uncontrollable rebel. So often she would tell her mother what a pathetic sight she was. And Mary agreed. Her ragged appearance mirrored her inner feelings of hopelessness and despair. It was obvious that God did not think highly of her. Why, she couldn't even hold down a job. Mary ran through her mind the countless times she'd left a good employer simply because she just couldn't cope with the work.

As the last hymn came to an end, Mary left the church and headed home. Whatever shred of self-esteem that might have existed in her mind was gone now. Pastor Williams had confirmed what Mary herself had been thinking for some time - her total worth was nought. Zero. Anyway, Christians are not supposed to think anything of themselves, are they? At least, that seemed to be the message that was coming across loud and clear.

The case for self-esteem

Loving oneself - the concept of a Christian having self-worth, or self-esteem - has been a much-debated topic over the years. For some (and clearly for Pastor Williams) the very idea of considering the self in a positive light is tantamount to pure vanity and should be discouraged.

Jay E. Adams, a leading Christian author and counsellor, writes in his book The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love & Self-lmage, 'You must treat yourselves like a criminal, and put self to death every day.' He goes on to urge his readers to 'abandon entirely the self-esteem message' and cites humanistic psychology as the culprit for the self-esteem influence that has 'pervaded our society'.

A leading psychologist, Paul Vitz, is also critical of those promoting self-esteem and writes that psychology is a new religion that is based on the worship of self

But that's not the only point of view. Christian psychologist Lawrence Crabb says that each of us has a basic personal need to regard ourselves worthwhile. Gary Collins, a well-respected Christian counsellor and author of Christian Counselling feels that 'many people develop low self esteem because they have been taught that spiritual people should constantly put themselves down and feel inferior.' He admonishes the church community to change distorted beliefs about self worth and replace them with the biblical teaching on the importance of self-love.

As a Christian counsellor and therapist, I come down on the side of Mr Collins. It is a fact that a major symptom of depression is low self-esteem. Having treated many Christians suffering from depression, I have seen well enough what a lack of self-worth can do to even the most 'spiritually minded' people. For Christians, the guilt of not being able to pray or study effectively - due to the very nature of depression - brings about negative views of self, especially in terms of how God sees them. It is not uncommon for a Christian counsellor working with a depressed person to spend a good proportion of the total counselling time dealing with issues of self-esteem.

Repeated criticism by others can do much harm to any person's view of himself or herself. Society puts tremendous value on those who have 'made it' in terms of material success or fame.

Early damage

Many counsellors and psychologists believe that most damage to one's self-esteem occurs during the formation years of childhood. Parents can sometimes place far more emphasis on punishment for wrong doings than on rewards for good behaviour. Cuddling, hugging and general affection can be lacking, whereas scolding and criticising can become the normal experience when the child-rearing balance is wrong. Some research has shown that when children are constantly told by their parents that they are falling below expected standards of behaviour or education, they can grow up to become timid, fearful adults with a strong sense of inferiority.

Wrong thinking, wrong outcome

Many of us go through life with a flawed set of assumptions about ourselves. These assumptions are heavily influenced - and even directed - by others. They can include: 'I must be approved and accepted by others and whatever standards they impose, in order for me to be loved.'

'If I have not achieved worldly success in whatever way the world defines it, then I need to feel guilty, ashamed and deserve punishment.'

'Others are perfectly right to ask anything of me that they want, and I must try to meet their needs as best as I can.'

'I must work hard to ensure I meet the needs of those around me - friends, family and peers - or I will be rejected.'

'If someone doesn't like me or respect me, then I'm the one to blame for it.'

Statements like these are self-destroying lies, but they can dominate our thoughts nevertheless. The inevitable feelings of guilt, sadness and rejection will set us off on a downward spiral, giving us a totally false picture of who we really are. Mary, just one of many in a typical church congregation, has allowed her own self-worth to be eroded by the opinions of others. The minister, her ex-husband, her teenage daughter and unsuitable employers have all made a major contribution to Mary's view of herself. Now she is convinced that, because others have said it, then it must be so. Eventually it will become difficult for Mary and those like her to accept any positive statements about themselves. Heartfelt compliments may be met with negative responses.

It is not uncommon for people lacking the right image of themselves to become domineering, dictatorial and overbearing in an attempt to generate a feeling of respect and admiration. the results, though, are usually quite the opposite. Others will get into severe debt, believing that acquiring material goods will satisfy the longing to 'be someone'. That doesn't work either.

The right view of self-esteem

Is there any hope? Just what can a Christian do in order to have a healthy, honest and truthful self-image? In his Epistle to the Galatians, the Apostle Paul provides the starting point by reminding us that the entirety of God's law is summed up in one single command: to love our neighbour as ourselves. How often we read and emphasise the first part of this statement, yet refuse to acknowledge the latter! Yes, God does say that we are to love ourselves. This is not selfishness, arrogance or pride. Rather, it is a basic requirement for people made in the image of God. We are loved, valued and cherished by God as his creation. Put simply, we can love ourselves because God loves us.

Adam and Eve originally had no problem with appropriate feelings of self-worth. How could they think otherwise? God had created a perfect environment for them, and given them everything that they needed to lead a rich fulfilling life. They did not have the opinions of other people to distort their self image. That is, until Satan came along. After Adam and Eve sinned, they became guilt-ridden, and hid from God.They were ashamed of themselves and fearful of what God might do to them. That is how lack of self-worth entered this world. And since then, humankind has been desperately searching for self-esteem from everything and everyone - except God!

For a Christian, however, God is the only one to whom we should in our search for significance. The value that God placed on us was demonstrated by a spectacular act of love - the death of his own son, Jesus Christ.

Through this tremendous sacrifice, we were reconciled to God and we are now saved by his grace and grace alone. Jesus' death and resurrection paid the price for our sinful life, and are now set free from condemnation and guilt. Jesus does not tell us to make ourselves of lesser worth than others. He does not tell us to evaluate ourselves in a way that would negate the love he has towards us. God is our judge, not the opinions of those around us - regardless of who they might be. Jesus died so that we could be set free of having our value decided by any human being. God tells us that we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made'. Through Paul, we are described as 'the temple of the Holy Spirit'. None of this is based on our performance as humans, the reaching of some level of so-called success, the approval of a mate or the blessing of an authority figure.

God says you are worth saving! Living the life of a Christian involves pleasing God, not pleasing people. Yes, we are to be kind-hearted, outgoing and concerned for those in need. But not at the expense of downgrading our self-worth. Christians were never meant to be doormats.

Help yourself

Here then are some positive suggestions for a healthier attitude towards the self:

    Make the most of your talents and gifts

Everyone has talents and skills, so enjoy them! Thank God for them and use each one to the full. Take the time to see how each gift could be used to glorify him and, whenever possible, develop those talents through extra study and training. Libraries, evening classes and local activities can all provide excellent opportunities for sharpening skills. Set some realistic short and long-term goals whether vocational or personal - and give yourself small rewards when you achieve them.

    Be a first-class you, not a second class someone else.

The Apostle Paul states that those who compare themselves with others are not wise. God could have made everyone exactly the same - and what a boring world that would be! It's not wrong to have role models, but remember that each of us is different, with diverse backgrounds, experiences and talents. Our standards are not set by what others do or have achieved - they are set by God.

    Remind yourself continually that God is not a score-keeper.

We can love ourselves with complete confidence because God loves us and calls us his children. That love is not dependent on our work, our talents or how other people evaluate us. Our past sins have been forgiven unconditionally and we can have confidence in what God is able to do with us as we yield out lives to him. Focus on the positive things God says about us. Write them down on cards and always keep them down on cards and always keep them to hand. They can help you banish negative thought patterns.

Loving and living

Undoubtedly the world will continue in it's quest to find self-worth through material pursuits, people-pleasing and self-exultation. For a Christian, however, the matter of self-esteem does not revolve around anything except the love and concern Jesus has for each and every one of us. Self-worth is a critical part of our emotional, spiritual and psychological well-being. With God's help, we can be firmly convinced that despite our ups and downs in life, we can feel good about ourselves. God told us to hate sin, not to hate who we are. By learning to rid our minds of the self-imposed misconceptions, and replacing them with biblical truths, we can begin to develop a right kind of positive self-worth. Then we will truly reflect the one who loves us without measure: our saviour Jesus Christ.

James Hammond is an ordained pastor in the Worldwide Church of God and a qualified Christian counsellor and therapist.

Scripture References: Galatians 5:14;2 Corinthians 10:12; John 3:16; 1 Corinthians 3:16. You may find these books helpful: The Search For Significance,Robert S. Mcgee, Word Publishing; Telling Yourself The Truth, William Backus and Marie Chapian, Bethany House Publishers; Pits and Pedestals, Grace Sheppard, Darton, Longman and Todd.