For these couples, said the Lauers: ' "Till death do us part" is not a binding clause but a gratifying reality. Psychologists Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain have conducted studies of what they call 'strong families'. More than 3,000 families from all around the world contributed to the research and conclusions these authors described in the book Secrets of Strong Families.
They found that these families had several characteristics in common, whether they lived in Central or South America, South Africa, the United States, Germany, Austria or Switzerland. The 'we-ness' factor loomed large as a binding glue in their marriages. 'Members of strong families feel good about themselves as a family unit or team,' wrote authors Stinnet and DeFrain. 'They have a sense of belonging with each other - a sense of "we".'
One husband said: 'It came to me that the joy of life comes from the two of us together rather than outside things like career, hobbies, or leisure activities.
These husbands and wives are first and foremost 'we-always' couples. 'They share all (or nearly all) aspects of their lives with interest and joy,' wrote Stinnet and DeFrain. 'They are mates, lovers, companions, partners, and best friends.
A Spiritual Bond
The biblical perspective - what God says about the relationship he created - also tells us that 'weness' is central to marriage. The bond between husband and wife is described in Genesis 2:24: 'A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.'
The paraphrased Living Bible says in this verse that a husband and wife are joined together 'in such a way that the two become one person.' A husband and wife are not merely two separate selves who happened to sign a marriage document. They make up a new oneness - a 'couple'.
That oneness is not just a nice thought, it is real.
Divorce and Division
Many of us have had the sad experience of seeing longtime friends divorce. It can be hard for those of us who have been friends with both people in a relationship to come to terms with each or one individual on their own. Professor Robert C. Roberts and his wife, Elizabeth describe what happens: 'We say, "Hi Joan. How's...?" We catch ourselves, and we have an impression that the divorce means not just that Harry is no longer a "part" of Joan's life, but that this is not quite the old Joan, either.'
Zelda West-Meads of RELATE marriage Guidance commented: 'Divorce is the death of the marriage, therefore you go through similar feelings to the loss of a partner. You may also feel relief in a very bad or violent marriage, but there will always be a sense of loss and broken promises.'
Divorce shatters what Genesis 2:24 is telling us. A real bond exists between a truly happily married couple. In fact, this God-created relationship must be present and growing if the marriage is real and if it is to work.
Leave, Cleave, Weave
It has been observed by Christian marriage guidance counselors, including Dr Luis Palau, that failed marriages do not follow the formula given in Genesis. First, the partners do not leave their parents in a broad sense. They are still holding on to past immature attitudes, beliefs, desires and needs which belong in childhood, rather than focusing on the needs of the new family unit. Emotionally they are still tied to the past.
Neither are they cleaving to their partner, in all that this represents. They still think of themselves as 'I' first. As a result, these couples do not develop a unity in their relationship. Dr Palau's advice to such people in the book Husbands and Wives is:'Leave. Cleave. Unify.'
Writer Gary Bruland says the same thing. Based on Genesis 2:24, he describes the same three-step process couples go through to create a spiritually healthy marriage bond: They must, cleave and weave. God's plan and purpose for marriage is that husbands and wives leave their parents in order to cleave to one another,' says Mr Bruland. Once this is done, the couple must weave their lives together into one 'we'.
The apostle Paul defined this interweaving oneness in his letters. For instance, he spoke of it in the context of the sexual union between husbands and wives (see 1 Corinthians 7:4). That is a powerful example of the 'we-ness' factor at work in a couple's life. In another epistle, Paul described the marriage bond as a metaphor for Christ's love for his Church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Of this union, Paul said: 'This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church' (verse 32).
A Lifelong Communion
Ephesians 5 tells us that bonded marriage stands as a symbol for the intertwining relationship between Christ and the Church. In this context, Dr Palau observes: 'Christian marriage is really a triangle: a man, a woman, and Christ.' The Christian marriage, then, ought to be a uniquely 'we' sort of a relationship. This is the true core of a happy marriage.
A licence, a ceremony, an exchange of vows, a blessing, even living together do not create a successful marriage in themselves. A marriage is cleaving and weaving relationship. It is a God-created 'we-ness' between two people who experience themselves as one and act accordingly.
James Olthuis of the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto summarised it: 'Marriage is the ultimate human connection in which two people commit themselves to each other in a lifelong communion of sharing and caring. The first connection is made when two strangers of the opposite sex meet. Additional cords are strung as the couple spend time with each other and interact. A strong bond begins to form and the couple marry. Ideally throughout life, the bond grows in ever increasing strength.
The weaving is never complete. In the words of Roberts: becoming one flesh does not happen on the wedding day (or night), nor is the process very likely ever to be complete. It is a calling of Christian couples, a destination toward which they ever travel.'
e-Book Will Christ Return?
Print the most amazing photograph ever taken, the miracle in Hungary.
